Most Of The Time

Peter James
Most of the time I can keep both feet on the ground,
I can handle whatever I stumble upon,
I don't even notice shes gone. Most of the time.
I can survive and I can endure, and I don't even think about her, most of the time.
Most of the time, my head is on straight, and I'm strong enough not to hate, most of the time.
Most of the time, don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine, most of the time
Most of the time, she ain't even in my mind, I wouldn't know her if I saw her, shes that far behind.
Most of the time, I can't even be sure if she was ever with me or if I was ever with her, most of the time.
I'm half ways content, most of the time. I don't cheat on myelf, I don't run and hide from the feelings that are buried inside, most of the time.
I don't compramise and I don't pretend, I don't even care if I see her again, most of the time.
(Good one Bob)

Nothing

Peter James
Ya, I am experiencing a time of nothing right now. I am doing fine for sure, nothing big nothing small. But no real thought or feeling either. I had a time there where my head was full of ideas and notions and plans and excitment as well as less positive things. Now there isn't much of anything. I find that with school as well, I have a couple of projects coming up and I just have no imagiation about them and I can't even get started. Good thing they are group projects and I can rely on others for a bit. Don't worry I always do my part, but I am just going to have to feed off of their ideas this time. This kind of sounds like I am depressed or something but that is not the case at all. I am pretty content with the majority of things in my life at the moment. Less drama then there has been, except for a good dose of "idiot wind"(re bob dylan) I recieved the other weekend, but that is all done and dusted now. I am getting that feeling I get when I want to head out and go somewhere. I don't like to be in one place too long you know. Maybe it is the idea that I won't be able to do that for quite some time besides a short trip this spring. Oh ,well I guess that is the price and sacrifice you pay when you have some goals. School is one for me now and I am commited to it and that means staying here. I think I need to find some outlets and avenues for using my gifts and whatnot. I always tell myself I am too busy, but I am really not.
Anyway, James Bond is really good you should see it. Jon and I went with Mom and Dad the other day, which is always a treat to get Dad out to the movies. He really prefers the small town theaters in England where they have intermissions to serve you tea and such. But he enjoyed this one too. I also had a good moment with my father on Sunday night when I had to inteview him for one of my classes because I had taped over my other interview. I decided to talk to him about the ins and outs and impact being the head of a large family had on his life. It was meant to be a short ten minute interview but turned into a twenty five minute one and could have easily gone longer. I had to show it to the class and cretique my skills. But I was very proud to show them my father and let them hear his answers and different things about our family. So that was nice for me.
Alright that is all for now.

PUSHING THROUGH

Peter James
Man stuff can be stupidly hard sometimes. And if some of the books I have read are true (they have to be right, they are books!) things may always be that way. Just because you try to do the right thing doesn't mean it will be sunny on the other side. Things are not promised to get better. Can I handle that? Have to I guess. So what am I aiming for by watching my step and trying to move further up and further in? Do I really believe that it will be what I want, because if this is going to work I think I had better believe that. It would be much easier to be crazy or amazingly selfish to the point where you actually really didn't care what you did to other people so long as you were okay. (sounds familiar yes?) That would actually be a nice place to be in one sense for sure. So what is this other sense that I am trying to hold on to and achieve? What am I really going for here? A fuller deeper life of intese meaning and deeper faith and fulfilment. A real, bottom of your being, joy? I think so. Sounds good to me. Can you get there, anyone reading this there now? I don't know. Maybe we are just suppose to reach for till we die and it is the old " journey and not destination". Well in this life anyway. I have to ask myself if I am really up to that. Like on my basketball team, we set all these goals for ourselves but I think most don't put the work in to really reach them. So am I really willing to do the work for this one? All the self denial and low times to reach the ultimate. I can sit here and say yes to that and actually think it. But the day to day doing is what I don't know about. I cannot feel the lows right now, and who knows how low that will be and if I will actually be able to handle that. I guess it is not a one and done thing, but a continual picking up and starting over thing.
Keep pressing on it is.

I feel that it can be much easier to communicate with an audience who doesn't know me. I sometimes feel more free just to say exactly how I feel. With people who know me I feel they might judge me more because they know my past and tendancies and I almost feel an obligation to tell them stuff that lines up with what I think they think of me. Does that make any sense? It does to me. If I am talking with a counselor I feel very free to say anything and everything. I know they are there to help with no other agenda at all, and they are not suppose to judge either. Something someone who knows you might do more readily without even thinking about it.
I know that a lot of people don't feel the same way. They really don't like strangers to know a lot about them. (a personal file) I can totally understand why someone might not want to open up to someone they don't know or trust. So I guess it is the counsellors job to build that trust and show that they care and are there to help without bias or judgement. A tough job I would presume.